Saturday’s Soothing Meditation

image imageAfter the snow and ice on Thursday, the nerves in my hip lit up like lightning. And we discovered a glitch with my programming. Not to bore you too much, but the amplitude of the implant is at a really high hertz. And it covers the pain just as it’s supposed to. But this is a brand new programming schematic. So when the pressure changes, I actually feel such pain that I am unable to function. So I turn the implant up. And it works. But about that glitch, yea, it changes everything. My battery can’t hold a charge. So I’m constantly charging it. That is not comfy at all. Or I have to turn it waaay down. And that does not help the pain. And because the snow and ice closed everything, I was not able to meet with my medical rep to repair the glitch. Still working on getting together to do that. So basically I’ve not been doing anything but staying in bed crying and hooked up to a battery charger. The drive to work is incredibly painful. But by not going, I have let a lot of people down on so many levels. And honestly, I’ve let myself down. I have been procrastinating at work. I haven’t really deep cleaned my house in months. I haven’t had our normal Gbabies sleepovers. And I’ve made my poor A worry. Really worry. Like taking all medications and guns out of house worry. And that breaks my heart. I want my smile back. I want my energy back. I want to leave the house on a regular basis. I want to get caught up at work and train Heather so I can move on. I’ve been working for my company for 17 years. I’m burnt out on the 50 mile one way drive. So, after not sleeping last night (I was too busy crying for myself), Adrian said we are going fishing. I didn’t want to go. I hurt. I was tired. You’ve heard it all before. I finally got up and got dressed. We went to Squaw Creek just right down the road. So I couldn’t use my excuse of the drive hurting. We could only stay a couple hours or so. This was my first real activity since being released to actually live and move on Feb 19. I went. Begrudgingly, but I went. And then…….it was like the world and it’s noise all went still And silent. A calm came over me that I have not felt in months. Bass fishing with my honey is the purest form of medication there is for me. My heart rate slows, my breathing is even and rhythmic. My heart releases the feeling of tightness, my head relaxes, my eyes become clearer and I soooo thankful for the chance to be on the lake. I’d like to say that I’m that thankful whether I’m catching fish or just fishing. But, truth be told, I’m not. When he starts out fishing me (and that happens often), I sometimes wish he would fall out of the boat. Oh. Did I write that out loud. Sorry. But today, today I was just so happy to be on the lake. Free. Peaceful. Fishing is the best anti depressant there ever was. At least for me. When I’m in the boat with Adrian and I cast that rod, a feeling I can’t begin to describe comes over me. I can’t explain it. But I truly believe that right at that perfect, peaceful time, I’m experiencing heaven on earth. And it is glorious. Adrian caught easily a dozen good sized bass. I caught 4, but was only able to get 2 in the boat. My hook setting needs work. But I didn’t get skunked! That’s fishing all day without getting a bite. I brought 2 perfectly average fish in the boat. Adrian brought a lot with a kicker fish to finish the day. He was happy. I was happy. And I didn’t have to push him into the water! haha.

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