I’ve spent the last 12 months or so looking very hard and deep at, well, me. And I really didn’t like some of what I had seen. I’m not talking about my physical self. I’m talking about my behavior. My mind. My heart. Chronic pain and anxiety almost stole my joy. They tried to make me bitter. Damn near succeeded too.
I used to live my life like the world revolved around me. Not so much narcissistic as solipsistic. I only really paid attention to something when it was about me or someone I loved. I just kind of skimmed over everything else. Then, once the pain got worse, everything became about my pain. I let that chronic physical pain grow to the point that it overtook EVERYTHING. The physical pain turned into mental pain. My anxiety became so magnified that it threatened to swallow me whole. After my emergency spine surgery in December of 2017, I had had enough. I was done being an empty, useless mess. That surgery saved me in more ways than one.
I was able to walk upright again after surgery. I still dealt with the physical pain, but, I realized that life hurts. Getting older is not for sissies. I figured that I would hurt no matter what, so I might as well try to actually LIVE as opposed to simply existing. It’s been one of the very hardest, yet most rewarding, things that I’ve ever done. Sometimes I feel as if I’m really moving forward at a great speed only to promptly fall on my ass. The difference of the current me and the me of the last 10 years? I get back up. I might be slower than most, but, by God, I do it.
I still have my pity parties. But nowadays they’re shorter than before. More of a dinner party length and less of a rave. My sister, DeeDee, said it best. “I’ll hold your big girl panties for awhile, but then you have to take them back”. She, my mom, Adrian and my kids will all hold them for me, but expect me to take them back. And I do! I’m celebrating that fact. I’ve earned it!!
I’m still a work in progress. I still have days where I hurt so much that I’m in tears. But, I deal with it. It no longer controls me. The hardest part hasn’t been the physical pain. It’s been finding my joy again. Learning to embrace people. The one gift I’ve received from all of this? Freedom. The freedom to be me without worrying about how I look or being seen as weird or different. I am different! I’m me and I’m happy about that. I’m thankful for that.
I feel much more in tune with the world. Sound cheesy? Maybe so, but it’s the truth. I feel my bitterness peeling away like onion layers. I feel like I’ve had cataracts removed and I can see clearly again. This dark journey started in late 2010. It slowly but surely chipped away at my body and mind until Dec 26, 2017. I’m starting the first year of this decade by walking in baby steps. Not crawling, but WALKING. And, although they’re baby steps, they’re forward moving baby steps. So, go me! And, if you’re walking in baby steps too, go you!!