Sad, Unsure & Worried

I haven’t posted in awhile because I wasn’t really sure what to say. I know I said that I was going to continue with my post about friendships, but I just can’t right now. Everything is just too muddled. The world, our country, this damn virus and all of the people that are hurting.

Let me get this out of the way before I start on my post. I agree with the BLM protests. Things must change. I do not, however, agree with the violence or the riots. I have law enforcement officers in my family. My son in law is the chief of police in a small town near where we live. He is a good cop. He is a good person. But, that doesn’t mean that I think ALL cops are good. I don’t believe that you can put a blanket statement like that about any group. There are good and bad people in every part of life. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is, how you fall on the political spectrum or what religion you follow. I also want to say that I cannot possibly understand how much black people are hurting. Though I’ll never understand, please know that I DO STAND with the BLM movement. And I will listen and learn. I may not always get it right, but I’ll try. I promise this will be a continuing conversation in my house.

How am I feeling today? I just don’t know. My ex-husband died today. The father of my children. We met in high school and got married at 17. We were just babies. We were married from 1983 to 1998. That’s a lot of years. So, I’m feeling so many emotions tonight. Sadness and worry for my kids. I’m hoping they will be alright. I feel such sorrow for my former in laws. I can’t imagine burying my child. I feel so bad for his wife. She and her late ex-husband were mine & Ronnie’s best friends (it was weird at first, but that was over 20 years ago, and we all get along just fine now).

I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel. I know I’m so thankful for Adrian. He’s talked to the kids and has listened when I wanted to talk today. I’m grateful for his strength. Then, I feel guilty for being grateful, because, well I don’t even know why I feel guilty. Life doesn’t come with an instruction booklet. That’s a shame because it sure would be helpful. I want to support my kids and grandkids while they’re dealing with the loss of their father/grandfather and still honor my husband and marriage. I also want to make sure that I’m showing respect for Ronnie’s widow. Does any of this make sense, or is it as confusing as my feelings are right now?

My anxiety is at an all time high. So much going on in and outside of my mind. My sister told me to just let my emotions come and just honor them. She’s pretty wise, so I think that maybe I should listen to her. Maybe they’ll all just blow away like dust during a storm. But then they’d probably just show up one day as huge clumps of mud that just smears everywhere. I just don’t know. I want my mom. I wish a hug and candy made me feel all better like it did when I was younger. I wish I could go to sleep. Mostly though, I wish I knew how to feel.